So, I really apologize for being MIA the last few weeks. I have been in a FUNK, a really big crippling FUNK, one that has been almost impossible to come out of. And I haven't felt so awful in a very long time. I told my husband I am having a mid-life crisis, one without the love affair or need for a fancy car. I am not unhappy or dissatisfied with life whatsoever, but just stressed to the MAX. And as my birthday was approaching, I had that familiar fear "I will someday die and leave my profoundly autistic child motherless" feeling again. I am not proud of these feelings. The fear is so bad at times I am unable to even pray...and I hate this most of all.
My brother says I am obsessed with this fear of dying, and sometimes he is right. True, I drive my family nuts with my irrational thoughts and it's hard to break away from them sometimes. I am thankful my birthday has passed and the weather is somewhat stabilizing, here in New York.
This new preoccupation all started when my neighbor, aged 44 years, died of a heart-attack in front of his wife and young children, back in February. The dear man has no symptoms and no previous condition that was known. He leaves behind a heartbroken spouse and two beautiful kids. This has affected me more than I can say. This ill-fated event was the start of the cascade of individuals in our town who unexpectedly died and left their precious families behind. All of them were tragically under the age of 50. How can this be happening so often lately?
In the last 9 months I have been to a breast specialist twice (my mother is a breast cancer survivor and I'm really good at freaking myself out) and a very knowledgeable holistic practitioner who put me on a gluten free/corn free/casein free diet to perhaps help alleviate this terrible anxiety. I have lost a few pounds and feel really well and take various supplements. I walk several miles a day and I hope I will be able to keep it up once the kids are out of school. More importantly, I try to focus on the spiritual/emotional end of all of this and have been back to my fervent prayer life, which I have missed immensely. In an attempt to reason with myself, I acknowledge these fears and nurture my person whenever possible.
When you have a special-needs child you fear getting older and losing control. It's not the wrinkles that may come, it's not the graying hair (shockingly, I don't have MUCH YET!), and it's not the birthday number in and of itself that sparks the worry. The reality of just being human and eventually leaving the planet is a scary thought, especially when young and seemingly healthy individuals are dying in their 30s and 40s right before your eyes. I do not remember my parents living with this fear, but maybe they had it too, and I just did not comprehend their worry at that time.
Maybe, for us, it's the constant sleepless nights (our autistic son has always had sleep issues), and perhaps our adrenal glands are FRIED as a result of all the stress and lack of rest, I do not know. But I am trying to have FAITH, trying to remain POSITIVE and OPTIMISTIC that God in His mercy will continue to help us as we experience this big adventure He has laid before us. This exhausting beautiful life with our son and his Autism...one I wouldn't trade for all the world. So, for now, I am back in the saddle, and I hope I will continue on this road for a long time as devotedly possible as I can be. Hopefully I can continue writing and Jack can be proud of me.
May You Always Recognize The Blessings
